GRIEVER's DOSSIER // "I still have my waves, but I welcome them, ride them, and let them subside freely."
~ with Liz Machado
If culture ever comes up with a term for the friend you met in a breakout room during a Zoom training, let me know because I will come back here and edit this paragraph. If, on the other hand, Brazil-based Somatic Experiencing Practitioner Liz Machado and I are the only ones to form such a connection, well then I’ll consider our friendship all the more singular. It was during Inelda.org’s End of Life Doula Training last fall that Liz and I found ourselves paired off for a day of exercises that involved role-playing the dying person and the doula. If that sounds intense, fascinating, and completely upending, you’re right: It was. And, it was also incredibly tender and expansive—particularly because Liz has a background in social work, and, in her practice, uses somatics to help clients transform the way they look at and deal with death, dying and grief. Underpinning all of that is Liz’s personal experience of deep and profound loss, which she generously shares with us here today.
WHO ARE YOU GRIEVING?
I am grieving Donavan, my partner and father to our daughter. Donavan died at home, while our two month-old slept soundly in my sister's arms. My first inclination was to say he died of an overdose, but really he died from his addiction.
WHAT’S ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE MEMORIES OF DONAVAN?
My favorite memory of him is definitely when our daughter was born. He was so present, kind, and seemed as though he was in awe of what I had just done. From the moment she was born he never stopped showing her off, proudly saying “This is my daughter,” with a big grin on his face.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT DONAVAN’S LIFE?
Without a doubt the way he courageously went for whatever he wanted! Whether it was me (haha), or our child or his career, he just went for it, didn’t stop one minute to care about what anyone else would think of him.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND IN TERMS OF YOUR GRIEF?
It’s been 6, almost 7, years since D died. For the most part I am pretty at peace with his death. I still miss him, mostly when I see our daughter reaching different milestones or learning new things, but he has a special place in my heart, my life and my story, and that will never change. In the beginning it was quite difficult, the grief was unbearable. I quite literally felt a huge hole in my chest. At some point in the early days I thought I was having cardiac issues because of the pain I felt, but after consulting with a Dr. I found out heartbreak literally hurts. Through therapy, and allowing myself to really feel my pain, and not rush to numb it as I would in the beginning, I was able to heal in ways I thought were impossible.
DOES DEATH HAVE A GIFT? DOES GRIEF? WHEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR MOM’S DEATH AND THE EXPERIENCE OF YOUR GRIEF, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, SEE, FEEL, OR EXPERIENCE NOW THAT YOU DIDN’T OR COULDN’T BEFORE?Death definitely has a gift. I think for Donavan, although he was young, he had suffered A LOT. I can imagine his death was somewhat of a relief for him, albeit accidental. I also think of how my daughter is able to have the image of who he really was, without his addiction, and what a wonderful gift that is. She gets to hear stories and see photos of his true self.
WHAT DO YOU THINK DONAVAN WOULD HAVE SAID WAS HIS LEGACY?
Definitely Carmen. He was SO proud of that child, and the fact that she carries his name for him was a BIG deal. I’d never seen him more proud than when he talked about her.
WHAT IS OR WAS DIFFICULT ABOUT DONAVAN’S FUNERAL OR MEMORIAL
Having to make all of those decisions (thankfully, I didn’t have to make them alone), of music, obituaries, flowers, what clothes he would be buried in, the vault, and the casket, what to say, all of these things were things that my 22 year-old self was nowhere near prepared to deal with. I think out of all of those things, picking the clothes he would be buried in was the most difficult thing of all. I wasn’t sure what size would look best and trying to pick something that I think he would like as well as his family, was really difficult. It seemed so menial and silly at the time, but I remember looking at the clothes and just not knowing and feeling so helpless for not knowing. So I guess not the funeral itself, but all of the preparations for it.
WHAT IS OR WAS BEAUTIFUL OR RESONATE ABOUT DONAVAN’S FUNERAL OR MEMORIAL?
There were cars lined up on the road outside of the cemetery to attend his funeral, I mean lined up. It spoke to how loved he was in his community and what an impact he had made on everyone’s lives.
WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE SAID OR DONE OR SEEN OR RECOGNIZED ABOUT YOUR GRIEF?
I wish that the people closest to me would have trusted that I wouldn’t drown in my grief, and not have been afraid of my grief. I wish some of my friends would have had the courage to be there for me in their presence. I wish they would have said “It’s a shit time. I am here. Here are some resources for you Donavan.”
WHAT IS SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL THAT SOMEONE SAID OR DID OR SAW OR RECOGNIZED ABOUT YOUR GRIEF?
Honestly, I was quite intensely alone in my grief. However, my mother provided me the opportunity to work through it by financially supporting me and my daughter for two years after Donavan died.
I wrote that initially and then I remembered that one of my “aunts” (she was a cousin really but much older than me) would randomly drop in and just sit and talk to me, and hold Carmen for an hour or two. And that was the most beautiful thing anyone did for me in my grief. She just sat with me in it. She wasn’t afraid of me, or my sadness or my grief. We wouldn’t ever talk about Donavan, or his death, but her willingness to meet me where I was in my darkness was the biggest gift and I think she has no idea how much it meant to me.
WHAT DO YOU NOW SAY OR NOT SAY OR DO OR NOT DO WHEN YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS EXPERIENCING GRIEF AND DEATH?
I often just sit in silence with them, I may extend a hand and offer some words that reflect what they're feeling. But mostly I think I would do what my aunt did, and talk about the day, the weather, mundane things.
I definitely don’t say it’ll be okay, or it’ll pass with time.
WERE THERE ANY BOOKS, MOVIES, MUSIC, OR ART THAT HELPED YOU DURING YOUR MOST ACUTE TIMES OF GRIEF?
WandaVision and Over the Moon were two medias that helped me immensely.
HAVE YOU DEVELOPED ANY RITUALS OR TRADITIONS AROUND YOUR GRIEF OR AROUND DONAVAN’S DEATH?
On the anniversary of his death I cancel all my work and allow myself to do whatever I feel like doing that day. One year I rearranged my house, another I sat in bed and did nothing, I realized that having freedom that day to feel however I want to feel is important to me.
WHAT’S YOUR MOST PRESENT NEED, DESIRE, OR HOPE RIGHT NOW, WITH RESPECT TO YOUR GRIEF?
Honestly, I feel pretty well resolved with my grief. I still have my waves, but I welcome them, ride them and let them subside freely.
ARE THERE WAYS IN WHICH YOU ARE ABLE TO FEEL DONAVAN WITH YOU, EVEN NOW? ARE THERE WAYS THAT YOU FEEL HE SHOWS UP OR SPEAKS UP IN YOUR DAY TO DAY?
Always. I feel him with me always. I know he will undoubtedly always be a part of me.
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU MOST WISH YOU COULD DO WITH DONAVAN, OR THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO HIM? OR – IF YOU COULD SPEND ONE MORE DAY WITH DONAVAN, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I would want to spend the day watching him interact with our now 6 year old. That’s all I would want. AND TAKE MORE PICTURES!!